Despair, another word for repair

Sunsrise at Taman Sari,Pemuteran , Bali. Despair - have you ever been in des-pair? Personally, I have never experienced the depth of despair. But that doesn't mean I haven't had a cause. As I sit on the shores of Bali, I think about the word despair, I realize the significance of such this word. After all it is only a word.... Despair - the beauty , pair , light and shadow. It is the word pairing. It is the balance of light and shadow.  When we are brave and courageous enough to witness both, light and shadow, we will see brighter,act bolder, feel more intensely.

Instead of despair, we are only in dis-repair -- in need of repair. Repair is a form of healing and there are many tools to choose from. It may be the tool of physical healing, emotional healing or spiritual healing.

December 1, 2014, I boarded a flight to blissful Bali. I had been feeling splintered and in need of repair. My ego thought it was only from a spiritual aspect but in reality, I was about to embark on a journey of the trinity three "mind, body, and spirit". I arrived in Bali with food poisoning, water retention (I looked like a puffer fish), and anger. In 24 hours I struggled daily with physical healing. I spent four blissful days at Puri Taman Sari . I experienced a channeling session with a priest and his wife Ade  helped release the pain of my mother's separation from the earth. I released my ego's attachment to her, released her soul to the cosmic stars where she is shining in unison with her ancestors, her beloved son Derek and her grandchild Melanie, our daughter.

I experienced giving reiki and healing to a guest at Puri who was comatose. Within 15 minutes she was up and walking. I experienced seeing orbs in my room and fairies galore. It was indeed a week of spiritual healing. I proceeded to go into Ubud where I meditated and prayed and had a day of play. Before midnight, my body was pushed into a hole. Spirit was saying,” Now it is time to work on your body”. “You are not listening and this is our way of speaking to you." In the last six years you have lost focus and it is now time to go into the body and listen. Sometimes  we are so numb we cannot hear. Spirit will speak to us through a person, a place or a thing.

Agung Prana ,a dear friend said "Ibu Lilly there is so much darkness around you." I asked him in Balinese culture what does this mean? His reply, "you have lost your way".

Well shite! I thought I had been following  spirit and moving where I was being directed. When Prana said this it  occurred to me that when I opened the White Lilly, a boutique to help women feel good  inside /out, I began to follow another path. I wasn't paying attention to my physical healing abilities and got caught in competition, ego, and death. In Ubud falling into the rabbit hole was spirit's way of saying - "you are not listening - now we have your attention. Your attention had been on experiencing happy and your sorrow has been stuck in your joints and in need of repair. "

OK -- what now. A trip to Jatiluwih with Ibu Lynn and Mangku Made is needed. I am  going to stay in  the flow. My ego doesn't want to go as I am with  Ginger the cat, and have convinced myself that she  is helping me to heal. When I am with Mangku Made, he is very clear that when I fell in the hole, my soul stayed there. Now I need to call my soul back.

I have been very, very tired and for those of you reading this who know astrology, I have Pluto square Saturn and I am experiencing an internal death and transformation anyway. I am thinking that my soul in the hole is a far stretched idea. However, I trust Made and am open to his suggestion of a cross road soul retrieval,

I have no energy. All I want to do is sleep. It takes two days of nothingness but rest and filling my body with nourishment. Lynn Mayer is looking after me, nurturing me , loving me.  On the third day, I rise . Finally.

When we are so tired, that we can't see into the next hour, it is the soul's way of being completely naked. It is the soul's way of screaming Eckhart Tolle's words of "be here now". My choices are few so I surrender.

In that surrender, there is peace, joy, and strength. Upon awakening on the third day, the fairy is back. Despair , No  - I was in need of repair.

What Does a Few Pages on Despair Have to do with this book about Madness, Addiction and  Love?

When we let spirit have us, when we are in the orgasmic dance of love,  trust  ,spirit  and the universe will bring us people, places, and things to help heal.  My spiritual Son Wah and his beloved family, they are an example of  love and healing. In this story, it is  these people and their healing abilities.  When people love us unconditionally, they contribute to our healing. They love us without considering our defects of character; they only see our energy and aura. These people who come into our lives , they love without judgments and we realize we are mirrors for each other.   A true healer is not textbook savvy but is one who heals through the power of their own suffering. That is why they know what is needed and that is why we trust.

Trust is love. It is a collective unison of giving and receiving without question. in trusting, we are telling the God-source , the universe: I LOVE YOU. It was never about despair. It was about repair and "letting spirit have us".