The Cadet and Peek for peeps

600061_10150980374681211_846870625_n Merciful God, I am so excited for her but I am also very angry. Am I going crazy in my late 30’s.

She has won the “Duke of Edinburgh” award. Prince Edward from England is coming to Fredericton to give it to her. We are all over the top with excitement at the supper table.  We are hearing this news but something is not right within me. I feel it but still unaware of what it is.

Two weeks go by. I am looking for my skies but cannot find them. Melanie has moved out once again. She was home for the weekend and this time when she left she took what she wanted. This is a habit of hers. No boundaries, no asking, just taking. I try and understand , I guess it is my fault. If I did not get angry with her so often , perhaps she would tell me things , ask for her needs to be met instead of taking . Always taking, energetically and physically. Feb 10th arrives. The Awards. I will not go. Everyone is in shock. So am I. I do not understand but I am grounded , paralyzed , cannot move, I cannot go , even if I willed myself to go.

John is angry, he does not understand, I cannot explain. He and Amanda leave to pick up Melanie.

Three hours later they arrive home. In those three hours I have been to hell and back. I am a bad mother; I am filled with shame, what the fudge is the matter with me.

John’s words upon arriving,” Thank God, one of us was there, it would have looked bad”.  BINGO. I have won the lottery. I immediately understand why I could not go.

To show up for appearances sake is no reason to . Melanie has won this award but not without a crucifixion to us. We have been nailed to the cross many times. We have watched her lie, steal , take, with no consequences. . The law is on her side in 1994. The parents are the problem and in NB children of 16 plus are considered adults unless they kill someone and then it is back on the parents .

To show up and celebrate her when she was so disruptive distortive, would not have not been right. It would have been a sham, showing up because of what people thought. If I was to teach her anything, it was not that. I had to stand my ground.

Until the day she died, she thought I did not care. I cared very much , we loved her deeply but saying one thing and living another was not teaching her anything . I am left to wonder if