The Grand of Grand Falls, Falling into Madness

imagesWe were transferred to Grand Falls , NB in June of 1982. Thank God, we were leaving Fredericton ,all those memories of John’s illness, our crazy orange shag carpet and my attempts at finding new survival skills.

The first people we were introduced to were the most normal , balanced family I had ever met. I was in awe of the love they all  had for one another.  Everything was “,No problem” “It’s a great day “. They are hardworking, loyal and were doing projects in other parts of the world to help those less fortunate way before it became the norm for an average family. There was always someone in their home from different parts of the world that needed help. They are idealist. Filled with love, hope, and compassion and by God they lived it. They did not talk about it, they ate, slept and hugged it into themselves and their four children.

I felt like I had hit a jackpot becoming friends with this family. The girls loved them; they had daughters the same age and they became friends quickly.

There was a rocking chair in the middle of the kitchen and this became my throne whenever I visited. I would rock, tell a story or two, and listen to their wisdom. I adored this family and continue to love and admire them to this day. We have not lived in Grand Fall since 1986 but when we are together, no time has passed. We pick up where we left off.

Some of the Madness, they were able to experience with us. Not once were we judged. All we ever received from them was love.

It was here in Grand Falls that I realized I had an anger issue. I took it upon myself one day to go see a physiotherapist . I made the decision after I threw every dish from the dinner table into the dishwasher. I was so angry at Melanie over something small and I wanted to take her and shake her. Instead, I broke all the dishes. I have a problem so to the Dr I did go.

He asked me many things about my past but at the ripe old age of 29 I did not think my past was an issue. I am angry. I want answers now.

I went to see him a few times . We talked plenty about my father but I still did not see the connection. I told him my dreams about trains, he said that was the fathers’ penis. No, I KNOW I have never been sexually abused. This I know with every fiber of my being. (If you call sexual abuse , going to AV Gallants  store  on West St and buying his prono magazines , then I was sexually abused through the pages of those magazines. They weren't coverd then)   My Dr  was getting nowhere  so I stopped going.  One day in April , I am ironing the girls cloths. We were leaving to take them to Disney World in Florida.

The phone rings. “Is this Mrs. White, “, Yes I reply, who is this?” This is Dr so & so's office.

“It seems you have missed your last few appointments”. “Yes,” I respond, I do not think he is helping me. “I am afraid Mrs. White that if you do not keep your appointments we are to tell the authorities that you are a potential child abuser”.

Jesus , Mary and all that is holy. WHATTTT. Ok, I will be there when I return from taking our potentially abused children to Disney world.

I hang up stunned. I keep ironing. John arrives home. I am too filled with shame to tell him about the call.

When we return from Flordia, and I go back to visit that Dr. He sees me for another two sessions and frees me from entrapment. I am finished with him.

A few months later I am in Alberta visiting my parents to recover from a car accident I had a few weeks previous. This time my mother is ironing and I am telling her it is not easy raising children .

She is angry. “What the hell is wrong with you kids today? “Do you think it was easy raising 6 of you”?. “No Mom, I am sure it was not , but one thing I know to be true is this. ‘If you were raising us today, both you and Dad would be in Jail. Dad for his beatings, his abuse, you for allowing it to happen. “

She puts the iron down, leaves the kitchen. I am left feeling shame for telling the truth.