Peeks for Peeps , Madness Addiction & Love
The Heartbeat Of A Marriage
Sunday, Oct 4th, John and I touched a millstone of 41 years married . I was 17 when I met him, I will be 60 soon. We have been together double my lifetime.
He was away with his twin brother last weekend at a hockey tournament. It was not necessary for me to party with him. We have had many days of sunshine, joy and bliss over the years . This year however was different. I wondered if I wanted to stay in the marriage. Imagine that, imagine my surprise at his admitting the same.
I was very grateful for the few days I had alone to ponder and feel the alone space.
I had opportunity to be alone when he was on his UN missions. I would be alone for months at a time and I enjoyed those years. I knew he was away, I was alone but we still had each others heart tucked deep in our special places. My Parents used to ask me when he was away, “Lilly, don’t you ever get lonely”? . “No”, my reply, I have no reference point to that. I am never alone; the spirit of love, bonding, and God is with me daily. “
“Makes no since to us”, they would rely.
The last weekend leading up to our anniversary reality peeped in .
I began to feel the disconnection and allowed myself to surrender to that force. I realized that Love is a force of energy that weaves its way in and out of our being .
I did not feel empty. If anything I was full. I knew we had been blessed to have the years we had. They were not easy years. We went through John’s cancer, moving 12 times in 25 years. My addiction, Melanie’s Bi-polar, eventually her death . The death of a business and other deaths in our family.
We also had many wonderful years.
The births of our two children, our five grandchildren.
John’s work, his promotions.
My creativity and absolute joy to live each day, one day at a time.
My success, my failures.
Our abundance, our debts.
We had lived in balance. We lived in the light and the shadow of who we are either when alone or together as a unit.
What a road our lives took us down. We took that journey together fearlessly.
When I told a friend we were thinking it was time to separate, she said,” Yes, usually when a couple looses a child the promise is broken” . The death of a child can be, not always, but the death of a marriage”
“Yes. I said,” I am aware of that but I was sure we had suffered enough and we would not be a statistic. “
Still , I was OK. I believed that whatever spirit had in store for us based on the decisions we had made and the decisions we were to make , we would be just fine.
I went about the business of living . I watched our grandchildren. I rested, I wrote. I went to the gym, all the while knowing we were where we needed to be.
Was I scared, yes, I was about to jump off another cliff. This time he would not be there to caught me.
I was going to be alone with the spirit of ME.
Then ,the most magical day happened in the mist of the gra