THe Hole in the Floor , Peeks for Peeps into Madness, Addiction & Love
The Hole in the floor It has opened up again, the last time I saw that hole was in 1995. Melanie has just left in chaos, John and I are in a flux, I believe it has been days since we last spoke. I am in Mel’s room feeling helpless, powerless. I am saying the serenity prayer. A prayer that has been my mantra since 1991 but its not working this day. I want something to soothe me. A drink is not the answer, I am afraid of the hangover .I am afraid of God’s disapproval, (I do not believe in this disapproval as I write this) I am afraid for my life. My life is filled with light and shadow. I love my job at this time with Radio station. My health is good, Amanda OK. Melanie is out of the house again, John is angry with me, all in balance. But I do not feel balanced. I am not going to any Doctor to be put on meds. I have my PRAYERS ,they have been working for the last four yrs plus the meetings. What the hell is wrong with me today, that hole keeps inviting me in. I am close to it on the floor and as I peer down I know there is no turning back. I know deep inside of me that those who are now in institutions make that decision to leave their minds just before they enter the darkness and say goodbye . They do not say goodbye to their life but to life as they know it. They want out, they want someone else to look after them, feed them, dress them. They are tired and just want to BE. As I very slowly get closer and peer deeper into the hole, I am comforted. Suddenly, jaggedly I am pulled and find myself on the other side of the room. I look around but no one is there. What the hell? My brain clears, oh yes, hell, why go into it when I can live it right here. Ouch ,that was close, get dressed silly girl, get to work, go pick up Amanda, cook dinner, go live your hell , don’t tell anyone how you really feel but go find some other tools to try and understand yourself. Heaven is just around the corner. Like
