Here's my Heart, A brief visit from Melanie
Yes, its that time of year. The music, the bustle, the excitement on our grand children’s faces as we go out for our tree. Today as I decorate that tree, I am melancholy. Not depressed, gloomy, or downhearted. None of that, but there is something stirring inside my heart. As I light my altar for today, I remember the planet and all those who are suffering at this moment.
Especially the innocence children.
What is their sacred contract? It is not for me to judge but I can send them love from this heart of mine. I can also do more. Keep them daily tucked inside me. Not push the thoughts away that torment me when I think of all the disarray, chaos happening elsewhere, oceans away. . At the same time I am in gratitude that my grand’s are safe. For today, that is all we have. This day.
I put on one of my favourite Christmas album, Johnny Mathis. I loved him when I was a young girl on Ocean Drive, Stephenville, NFLD and I still listen to him yearly.
As I place one of Melanie’s Christmas bells on the tree from 1978, he begins to sing, Silent Night, Holy Night. Oh Shite, my heart hurts. Much like a knife slowing entering the skin and finally pushing into the flesh for the final thud. Hurts like hell but I remember to breathe and call in her spirit. She arrives in her full Goddess glory. She sits on the turquoise chair a friend of mine gave me shortly after her death.
Mel sits in silence, observing me with her smirk I remember so well. It is not a sneer but a, “ yea, I know how you feel”. I sit for a moment to enjoy her essence. I make a cup of tea and just sit. Not thinking, only witnessing her. I drink slowly; once I am finished I begin to dress the tree. Melanie guides me. She was such a creative decorator. She makes a suggestion about the chandelier overhead and I response, “I had not thought of that” . If anyone had walked into the room they would have asked,” who are to talking too, did someone just leave?” or perhaps, “have you lost your mind?” No I have not, I have never been more present to my body and my surroundings. I am grounded but also in the spirit world, right here in this living room, with my turquoise chair and Christmas tree. “Here is my heart, see it, feel it. “
I finish the tree, she tells me she is happy her daughters are arriving to visit us for the holidays. She also suggests I get her son Xavier’s gift out by tomorrow. I thank her , finish the tree and without realizing it , without feeling the emptiness, she is gone. The fireplace is still on so I still feel the warmth. Not the coldness I usually feel when I am with her and she leaves. I am not sad, I am in deep deep gratitude for her visit once again . I am allowed to love her unconditionally. Something she was not able to experience from me in her lifetime on earth. I am humbled I have a second chance. “Here is my Heart Melanie”.” Yes” , I hear her echo,” I feel your vibration.” .
Oh God, thank you , thank you , thank you .
Its going to be a wonderful season. I have not allowed myself to celebrate Christmas since she left us. It is time. My heart is open God, here’s my heart.
Merry Christmas , Happy Holidays everyone. I love you .