Peeks for Peeps , Madness Addiction & Love. FORGIVENESS
Who does not want to hear these words.. I am at the store and Morgan is calling me regarding my question I had emailed earlier that morning. A question I would like Deepak to answer when he and Oprah are in Toronto for Lets Do It. They had asked if we were living our passion and had any forgiveness issues we were working on. Yes, I do,, I am living my passion but not my highest potential , how do I know? I am sick all the time since I opened my store, he White Lilly in April 2011. Something is out of whack. I am taking what others say personally and this is not how I expected I would react. After all, the store was opened just as Spirit instructed me. I brought my love of Bali home instead of John and I retiring there.
When Morgan ask,” how does this relates to forgiveness?” I reply, “if we do not take people, places or things personally, there is nothing to forgive”.
Great , she gave me instructions what to do when I am in Toronto.
I am on my way, excited, imagine, I have a change to be on Oprah, going to be amazing for BUSINESS..
I arrive with friends, meet a staff member and am told that NO the question would not be asked. I answered it plus it was mostly related to business.
Right church, wrong pew.
Diana and I get settled into our seats , the third row up front.
Within the first hour, Bishop Jakes is telling us that we can be anything, do anything . That we can give birth to anything we desire. We are pregnant with creativity.
I almost faint in my chair, I am dizzy, confused, then bang, right to the Heart, I hear spirit, “Your business was a replacement for the fact that you have been estranged from your daughter for 20 yrs., You continue to give birth. You birthed, Power up your life, Breakfast with Soul, the White Lilly, Mayan Study group, Soul journeys to Bali and much more. God forbid if anyone should judge your achievements, they are attacking your motherhood.
I have been out there Doing instead of sitting still . Instead of loving and knowing that when my daughter is ready , (it might take 30 yrs.) but she will come eventfully . Or she may not. Yes, I have made my amends to her, she has not yet accepted them but I do not need to substitute her by DOING and finding new ways to give birth.
I accept and surrender that she is unable to forgive me but I have not yet surrendered to this pain. The pain of missing her and not seeing our three grandchildren.
How can spirit enter into this situation and heal it, heal our family, the old family dynamic that has been with us for generations. How can spirit heal if I am still substituting? I am not substituting with drinking, spending and other means like I would have 21 yrs ago, but there is still that need to be first, to demand attention , to keep creating , alas it is only just that, Substitution for being a bad mother. The Substitution for Sabotage.
There I said it. Ya, I know , I did the best I could BUT it was not the best for Melanie or our youngest daughter Amanda.
For now I will sit and feel the pain of missing Mel & our grandchildren. The pain of years lost. The pain of shame. I can “LET SPIRIT HAVE ME” I am blessed to have a loving relationship with Amanda. For today , that is enough.
The love of Spirit loves me enough to let me know that no one could have given me the answer to my question, not Deepak, not Bishop Jakes, no one .
I had the answer all the time. Like Dorothy when she found herself in Oz, there is chaos, confusion when we are called to search deeper but there will always be others to help along the way.
I believe there is a sacred code to the universe, the, I AM code, a loving code, when we are not in alignment with this code, I am NOT.
Today, If you gave me the choice to be on Oprah and receive all that goes with it or the choice of this insight, I value the insight more. It is the insight I will take to spirit when I draw my last breath.
With deep gratitude Oprah and a special thank you to Morgan for that phone call.
A month later I am once again thrown into chaos.
Two policeman are at our door at 43 Johanna St, Almonte. “Mrs White, may we come in please” No I reply thinking they are joking as there was a tractor on our lawn as we were getting our backyard landscaped.
“Sorry Mrs White we have distressing news for you.” My thoughts go to John as he has been away now for over an hour on his bike. They enter. “Would you please sit down “,” The taller of the two says, ‘I am sorry to tell you your Daughter Melanie in New Brunswick is dead.” The room spins, I take a breathe and must focus on that . my breathe and his voice. The spinning stops. IS THIS WHAT FORGIVNESS LOOKS LIKE? I ask God. “What happened? I ask the officer. The shorter of the two say,” I am sorry but she took her life”. I feel like I am pulling glue off his shirt, slowly I ask how. She hung herself.” I immediately think of my mother, our brother Derek in July of 2000, hung himself. Mom had just been diagnosed with Cancer on Sunday, today is Wednesday so of course she is with me in my heart and on my mind. I am actually home early from the White Lilly so I can pack to go see her the next day.
“This is my fault”, I say to the officers.
No ma’am, I doubt that. , the taller of the two reply.
Somewhere in my head I hear this but my heart does not for one second believe what he is saying. He then asks if there is anyone I can call before John comes home. I offer coffee, go in kitchen to make it; the distraction takes the dizziness away. I also call my beloved friend and neighbor Michele. I need someone to hold me. John arrives 20 minutes later. . He wants to know what is going on. He, like me, thinks it’s the tractor on our front lawn or I have had news that my mother is dead. ( that takes place a year later). I look at him , deep into his eyes. It is difficult to look deep into John’s eyes , he is not or never has been comfortable with that connection ,not with anyone.
I tell him to have a seat, I sit on his lap, put my hand on his heart and say,” She has left us John, Melanie is gone.” The Police Officers silently leave.
As I write this I can only imagine what Police officers feel and discuss during times like these. John has been a police officer for 35 years as you previously read in another chapter. It can be a thankless job. The compassion those two member’s of OPP gave me on May 30th 2012, will always remain and I will continue to pray for them in gratitude.
Now ,we have to cancel my plane ticket for tomorrow to Calgary. Melanie is in Moncton ,NB so we need new travel plans. Michelle and Brent take over that job as we now have to go speak to our daughter , Melanie’s sister , Amanda. Oh Jesus , how do we tell her and how do we drive?? We don’t’ Michelle does that for us. There is a breathe caught in my heart and I cannot seem to get passed it. The pain is like nothing experienced before. It takes days, weeks months before that pain moves into my belly and settles into my sacral area. When it finally does anger rises and is released in the most unusual ways. , Unfortunately this anger is directed on friends. Those who truly love and know me stay, they help with my healing. Others leave. I am not holy enough for them. I have been studying spirituality now for 20 years, I should know better.
Within a year that anger is lashed out on my sisters and brother. With my sisters it is Mothers Day, 2014. They emotionally leave me, I am not worth the effort to forgive. A few months later one of the sisters says” Well, you want me in your life, I am here.” I am not sure how to take that in , to feel those words as three years later I am still numb. I do understand however and realize that until that police officer comes to your door you will never understand gut retching pain and the labor of death.
Anger and madness is alive and well in most families. It is active and addictive.. I understand there is madness in all of us. Their inability to forgive, their decision to not care about you enough to walk this path , ah this speaks volumes. Many examples came up. Going to NFLD without me, deciding to visit Ottawa and stay with a friend, the friend tells me before she does. . On and On . They will say , “I have to protect myself. I do not want to be around that. “ I know one thing to be a truth , if they have their life breathe cut out of them ,(I actually pray daily that they do not. ) , I will be there for them. I understand . No, I am not the victim but I thought they loved me for me, not because of me.
I will always have love for those noble friends who left and for family who are lost to me. Does that make me great , NO, NO. It says , I have suffered enough. I understand .
Here is a poem I wrote about ten years ago for my daughter Melanie.
Reflection of a Shadow Self
Have you ever seen yourself through someone else’s eyes?
Have you ever felt their pain , felt it was disguised.
Have you ever understood , what was the real intent?
You hurt them with words, and deeds that were twisted, crossed and bent.
Have you ever seen the damage when the heart it does not speak?
The memories were lost, found later in a heap.
Have you ever tried to reach out, to someone that you bore?
Only to be silenced and left with nothing more.
Have you ever felt the pain that twist beneath your ribs
When you flesh and blood is crying
Unable to feel amends that you did.
Have you ever stopped and looked way deep within yourself
The shadow has arisen
GOD I need your help.