The Oprah Call, Peeps for Peeks from Madness, Addiction & Love

IMG_0178In April of 2012,   I  Received a call from Harpo Studio from a lovely women by the name of M. ""hello , is Lilly White available this is M from Harpo studio's".

Who does not want to hear these words.. I am at the store , the White Lilly and M is calling me regarding my question I had emailed earlier that morning. A question I would like Deepak to answer. They had asked if we were living our passion and had any forgiveness issues we were working on. Yes, I do,, I am living my passion but not my highest potential , how do I know? I am sick all the time since I opened the store. Something is out of whack. I am taking what others say personally and this is not how I expected I would react. After all, the store was opened just as Spirit instructed me. Bring my love of Bali home instead of John and I retiring there.

When M asked how this relates to forgiveness I replied that if we do not take people, places or things personally, there is nothing to forgive. Great , she gave me instructions what to do when I am in Toronto.

I am on my way, excited, imagine, I have a change to be on Oprah, going to be amazing for BUSINESS..

I arrive, meet a staff member and told that NO the question would not be asked. I answered it plus it was mostly related to business. Right church, wrong pew. The business of business.

Within the first hour, Bishop Jakes is telling us that we can be anything, do anything we give birth to .. We are pregnant..

I almost faint in my chair, I am dizzy, confused, then bang, right to the Heart, Diana asks me if I am OK.  I can only hear spirit, “Your business was a replacement for the fact that you have been estranged from your daughter for 20 yrs., You continue to give birth, Power up your life, Breakfast with Soul, the White Lilly, Mayan Study group, Soul journeys to Bali and much more.  God forbid if anyone should judge your achievements, they are attacking your motherhood.

I have been out there Doing instead of sitting still . Instead of loving and knowing that when my daughter is ready , (it might take 30 yrs.) but she will come eventfully . Or she may not. Yes, I have made my amends to her, she has not yet accepted them but I do not need to substitute her by DOING and finding new ways to give birth.

I accept and surrender that she is unable to forgive me but I have not yet surrendered to this pain. The pain of missing her and not seeing our three grandchildren.

How can spirit enter into this situation and heal it, heal our family, the old family dynamic that has been with us for generations. How can spirit heal if I am still substituting? I am not substituting with drinking, spending and other means like I would have 21 yrs ago, but there is still that need to be first, to demand attention , to keep creating , alas it is only just that, Substitution for being a bad mother.

There I said it. Ya, I know , I did the best I could BUT it was not the best for her.

For now I will sit and feel the pain of missing her & our grandchildren. The pain of years lost. The pain of shame. I can “LET SPIRIT HAVE ME”

Spirit loves me deep enough  to let me know , no one  can me me an answer. Not Deepak, not Bishop Jakes, no one .I had the answer all the time. Like Dorothy when she found herself in Oz, there is chaos, confusion when we are called to search deeper but there will always be others to help along the way.

I believe there is a sacred code to the universe, the, I AM code, a loving code, when we are not in alignment with this code, I am NOT in Balance.

Today, If you gave me the choice to be on Oprah and receive all that goes with it or the choice of this insight, I value the insight more. It is the insight I will take to spirit when I draw my last breath.

With deep gratitude Oprah and a special thank you to M for that phone call.

Within a month , the doorbells rings, it is two policemen. Our Beloved Melanie has taken her life. I fall to my knees, "Dear God ,I pray , is this what Forgivness looks like?" "Yes, I hear in my ear.  You will understand later." "Is this my fault", I ask, "No", is spirits' reply.  This is one of the many reasons you could not go on Oprah.  Your relationship in public would have hurt her and you would have blamed yourself . God, help me off this floor , I understand  . Going underground , I do not stand alone.

Here is a poem I wrote about ten years ago for my daughter.

Reflection of a Shadow Self

Have you ever seen yourself through someone else’s eyes?

Have you ever felt their pain , felt it was disguised.

Have you ever understood , what was the real intent?

You hurt them with words, and deeds that were twisted, crossed and bent.

Have you ever seen the damage when the heart it does not speak?

The memories were lost, found later in a heap.

Have you ever tried to reach out, to someone that you bore?

Only to be silenced and left with nothing more.

Have you ever felt the pain that twist beneath your ribs

When you flesh and blood is crying

Unable to feel amends that you did.

Have you ever stopped and looked way deep within yourself

The shadow has arisen

GOD I need your help.